Consult with the Neurosurgeon

Today was an important "next step" for addressing Mei Li's medical needs. We met with Dr. Blount (a wonderful and highly respected neurosurgeon) at Children's South. It was just a consult, and he spent a great deal of time talking with me about Mei Li's meningocele, what it "is", how it affects her (now and down the road), and how he proposes moving forward. It was an educational session. And, from today's visit we know that Mei Li will next need 2 tests to establish baselines. . . an MRI (which we already knew about) and one that will test the functionality of her bladder. I forget the name of that test. Once we have these tests, Dr. Blount will move forward with surgery. . . most likely after the new year.

What was explained in today's visit is that a meningocele is in the spina bifida family, although it is more minor. It is a fatty tumor that affects the spinal neural tube. The tumor, itself, is not harmful in any way to Mei Li. It is "fat" like what we have when we consume too many calories. Although Mei Li's has nothing to do with caloric intake. It is the result of a defect of the closing of the neural tube that happened before birth. And, the body's response was to make this little fat pocket. What is concerning about it is the fibrous tissue that binds the tumor together. He described it working kind of like the plastic mesh that is around a turkey that you buy at the store. This "mesh", however is throughout the fatty tumor and serves to bind the tumor to the spinal chord. As Mei Li grows, slowly but surely, the spinal neural chord moves upward in the torso and the "mesh-like fibers" pull on the spinal chord and very probably will cause "tethering" of the spine. This could cause paralysis and incontinence.

As of now, Mei Li is able to walk and use her legs (although she shows no signs of feeling in her left foot). She is also completely continent and totally potty-trained. She is happy and bright and full of life and vigor. (Just take a look at the most recent videos I took of her playing with her new kitchen set to see this vigor in full-force ;) Dr. Blount tells me he wants to "keep" her that way. If we leave the tumor "as it is", and "hope" for the best, there is a "high" probability that she will experience significant neurological issues in the long-run as her body grows. He told us that "if" she had been left in China and had not received medical treatment, she would have "more than likely" grown into an adult who would have been paralyzed below the waist; and incontinence and loss of bowel control would have been a very probable outcome in her teen and adult years.

However, doing surgery also has its risks--(although only 15% compared to 65% or higher if we leave the meningocele alone). The surgery could also cause neurological issues. That is a risk we will have to take if we hope to keep this tumor from negatively affecting Mei Li down the road as she continues to grow.

Dr. Blount's plan is to carefully disconnect the fatty tumor and unwrap it from the spinal chord. Once it is disconnected, it will not pull on the spinal chord and cause tethering as she grows. His two main objectives for this surgery will be to "disconnect" the tumor from the spinal chord and keep spinal fluid from leaking. Whether he takes the fatty tumor out, leaves it where it is, or removes part of it will be something he decides after he reviews her MRI and knows more about what will be most beneficial for Mei Li. He said that sometimes the fatty tumor actually "helps" keep spinal fluid from leaking. He will have to make that call as he knows more about the tumor and how and where it is attached.

So, up next is an MRI. The nurse will call me to let me know when it is scheduled. And, a test will be set up to measure the functionality of Mei Li's bladder and establish a baseline for her. Both of these tests will require sedation (whether partial or complete). Then, we will meet with Dr. Blount again to discuss his plan for surgery.

Please continue to keep our Mei Li in your prayers. And, if you would, please pray for Dr. Blount and his staff as he makes decisions regarding our sweet girl. We know we are in excellent hands with him. And, though there are risks both ways, it isn't even a thought in our minds to leave that tumor as it is. We already know she has no feeling in her left foot, and she has begun complaining of pain at the site of the tumor. With the high likelihood of severe neurological problems down the road in store for our Mei Li if we do "nothing", we would rather take a smaller risk by choosing to have the surgery.

This one is a biggee. . . and it is never a small matter when you have to do surgery on the spine. But, Geoff and I also know that the same God who suspended the universe in space knows every single cell in Mei Li's body. And, there are no surprises to Him. And, I place Mei Li and the entire medical staff in the palm of His hand as we walk the road to helping our little girl. We greatly appreciate your prayers as well.

Happy Thanksgiving week to you all! Thanks for following along! And, I'll update again as soon as we learn more.

Hidden Treasure

Our sweet and priceless treasure. . . Mei Li :)

I have no idea who really reads our blog unless they post comments, but my hope is that through telling our story we not only use our blog as a way to update our friends and family of our personal journey. . . But, that it also serves as a place for other adoptive families (or soon to be :) to find encouragement, helpful information and inspiration.

People come to adopt from different places. . . for many, infertility is a part of their journey, desperation, heartbreak, loss, a calling. . . For us, we struggled with disappointment with not getting pregnant again after our first daughter. But, I can honestly say that we were not desperate. Disappointed is a better word to describe where we were 4 years ago. But, I was ready to pursue my music, and we were "about" ready to take the next step in our personal and professional lives. . . and just were thankful for the wonderful child God had already given us. For us, adoption was not "our only hope" to fill a void in our family and hearts with a child. It was not about us doing something to meet "our" need. It was our response to God's call on our family. Although, many people come to adopt a child from different "emotional and personal" places. . . and one "place" is not better than another as long as homeless children and loving families are brought together. . . our story is one of submitting to God, hearing His voice, and responding in faith. And, now that our Mei Li is here. . . we find that our family is "greatly blessed" by her being one of us. We are all the better for her presence in our lives and family. We say our "thanks" every single day for her. And, we can not imagine our family without her! And, that's just the truth! :)

Many people believe that the only people who adopt are the wealthy. And, I can attest that that assumption is not true. We are a very middle class family that clips coupons and cuts corners to get the bills paid each month. But, adoption, (unfortunately), is a costly process. It is . . . and that is the frustrating truth. My hope is that "the cost" of the adoption process will be brought down to make adoption more accessible to loving families in the future. People with more resources may find the adoption process easier, in that the financial burden of it is not an issue. But, many people of varying financial means find ways to make it happen. And, I say that to encourage those who may think adoption is impossible due to its cost. It frustrates me when uninformed people ask "how much did your child cost?" Although, I understand that they mean no harm and are "really" asking how much the process costs. But, the process. . . and every person involved in the process of bringing a child together with his/her family has to be paid for the job they do. So, what does it cost?? A ballpark figure for the cost of an international adoption starts around 20-25K. It goes up from there depending on the country and how many international trips you are required to make to complete the adoption process. To put that figure in terms most of us can really wrap our brains around. . . it is about the same financial investment as when you purchase a new car. NOT to say that "a car" and a living, breathing child are anywhere near the same in value. And, the beauty of investing in the life of a child. . . is that "many" lives are forever changed (including yours :), and a "child" never depreciates in value! :)

So, how does an average person afford the process of adoption? I strongly encourage adoptive families to apply for grants, do creative fundraisers, yard sales, trim their budgets to cut out"extras" and put that money into an adoption fund. There are always ways to help meet the financial burden. And, we honestly should have done "more" of that looking back. Besides these, there are always loans. But, I recommend working hard to raise the funds and apply for grants before you go into debt. Not only will you have the cost of the adoption process, but if you adopt a child with medical special needs, there will be medical co-pays and bills that will be a reality once you get home. So, do not be ashamed to apply for grants or do fundraisers on the front-end. These can serve to greatly ease the financial burden that will fall on the family once you're home with your precious child and the bills start coming in and surgeries are on the calendar. These options that are "available" with some sweat and hard work make "adoption" a reachable possibility for many more loving and deserving families. . . and the lives of many more children will be changed forever as a result. And, that is WORTH IT!! :)

Today, I was having my quiet time and reading scripture. I came upon Matthew 13: 44-45, the parable of "Hidden Treasure and the Pearl". It says, "The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field.

Again, the kindgom of heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls. Wen he found one of great value, he went away and sold everything he had and bought it."

What a "treasure" we now have in our Mei Li. She is more valuable to us than gold or jewels. And, the sacrifices that we had to make to bring her to us were absolutely worth it. . . and we are all "the better" because of her. And, all who meet our Mei Li would, undoubtedly, agree.

Taking it "one day at a time". . . all in stride. :)

Mei Li's surgery on her little ankle was last Friday. And, as usual, she has amazed us with her resilience and "roll-with-the-punches" spirit. She hardly complained at all after her surgery. We kept expecting the pain meds to wear off and the pain to hit! It just never happened. The day of surgery, we were sent home at lunch time. She was very groggy and nauseous. She couldn't keep down anything she tried to eat. And, we stuck to liquids only. It all came back up. She slept most of the afternoon, and at bedtime she slept all night long. By the time Saturday morning rolled around, she was back to about 85% normal spirit and the twinkle in her eyes was back!! She did complain very mildly of pain in her leg. This child rarely complains of any kind of pain, so I take it seriously when she tells me something hurts---and I KNEW she should be hurting after that surgery. I was prepared to deal with the problem of "lots of pain". But, it turned out, the problem lay with "how little" she complained of pain. And, every time I tried to get her to wiggle her toes, she couldn't do it. And, every time I would tickle her toes or pinch them. . . or even hold an ice cube on them. . . she had no idea I was doing anything to her unless she saw me do it. So. . . our Mei Li has no feeling in her little foot. And. . . she has begun to touch her lower back where the fatty tumor is and say, "Ow!!" She has never complained of it hurting her before. But, for the last 3 days, she has told me that it hurts. . . not her leg. I'm just not sure what to make of it. I am definitely concerned. I took her back in to the orthopedic surgeon for a recheck. He took her cast off and examined her. The surgical site looks great, the blood flow is perfectly fine, her foot is warm. . . He suggested that it "might" be the meningocele on her back causing neuropathy in her foot. We don't see the neurosurgeon until Monday, and I am very eager to have his assessment of our little Mei Li.

In the meantime, we are enjoying every minute with both of our girls. My mother said it best. "Mei Li has a way of making herself "at home" wherever she is. And, she has a way of making everyone around her smile". She is truly a ray of sunshine. And, that is true even with all the doctor appointments, specialist appointments, castings and surgery. She takes everything in stride, rolls with it, adjusts herself to each new hurdle that comes along. . . and keeps going!!! With a smile and a giggle, I might add. Such a victorious spirit! If it is true that angels walk this earth, and sometimes humans are fortunate enough to have the opportunity to attend to one, then I am convinced Mei Li has wings hidden somewhere. She teaches all of us something new every day.

I am trying to learn from Mei Li's approach to life, and take everything "in stride". One step at a time. God has a big plan for Mei Li's life. Or, He wouldn't have gone to such lengths to connect her to a family an entire world away. And, although I want to be sure we do "everything in our power" to provide her with the medical care she needs to make her body healthy and whole, I am trying not to panic when things don't go just right. When a new obstacle pops up in our path, just like our Mei Li works around and overcome every obstacle that she encounters, we will take a minute, assess our options. . . and make a new game plan. Regardless of whether the feeling returns to her foot or not. . . Mei Li's life and health has changed "for the better" now that she has the love of her forever family, her new home in America and a team of doctors and specialists tending to her medical needs.

Please continue to lift her up in your prayers. And, thank you for following!

More Steps to Success!

Mei Li taking a wagon ride to the car after her surgery. That green popsicle was like a security blanket. She didn't care to eat much of it, but wanted to "hold" it. :)

Sleeping peacefully in her own bed after her surgery and wearing her Bravery Bracelet that her Mama B gave her.

Friday, 11-11-2011, was a big day for our Mei Li. Dr. Khorey operated on her Achilles Tendon and removed old scar tissue from her little ankle. Her little foot popped perfectly into place, and is now casted for 4 weeks while it heals. Then, our Mei Li will be in day and night braces for about 1 month. After that. . . our little girl should be able to walk "normally"!!!!

Mei Li did beautifully the day of the surgery. She was NOT happy being at the hospital, and the nurses and docs that entered her room wearing scrubs before the procedure were not warmly welcomed by her. She has had experiences in hospitals in China earlier in her life, and something tells me they were not ones that left good impressions. . . especially given our Mei Li's good nature and propensity for loving everyone she meets. She clearly does "not" love people wearing hospital fatigues. . . with one exception. . . her Daddy!! :) They gave her Versed to relax her and make her "not care". But, when it was time for the nurse to wheel her down the hall to surgery, Versed or no Versed. . . she was crying for Mama. I wanted to be with her so badly. You see, our Mei Li was abandoned in a children's hospital waiting room in Shanghai. We went to her "finding spot" while we were in China. It was not a nice hospital like the ones we have here. It made me very sad to think she was left there. . . But, I admire her birth mother for having the courage and the wisdom to take her to a place where she would surely be found and have an opportunity to get her medical needs met. I applaud her for taking the chance of getting caught in an effort to give her daughter a "chance" for hope and a future. I wish her birth mother could know that she is in America, is deeply loved by her forever family and is having her medical needs taken care of. I'm sure she must go to bed at night wondering if her baby girl she left in that cold, gray waiting room ever found a family? Ever received medical attention for her little turned-in foot? Or, for the fatty tumor on her spine? Is she happy? Is she healthy? Is she loved by someone? Does she have a good future ahead of her? I wish Mei Li's birth mom could know that the answer to each one of those questions is an emphatic "YES"!! There is no way for her to ever know that on this earth, since there are no records of birth parents for children abandoned. So, I will pray that Mei Li's birth mom will know in her heart and have a peace that only the Holy Spirit can provide to give her the assurance that she did the "right thing" for her baby girl 4 years ago in that Shanghai hospital.

In the meantime, we have one big surgery down!! And, Dr. Khorey seemed very pleased with how it went. Mei Li still does not have feeling in her toes at this point, but they gave her a nerve block in her ankle for her surgery. So, we believe that is why she is not showing signs of "feeling" yet. In the next day, she should be able to wiggle her toes and "feel" again.

On the 21st, we have an appointment with the neurosurgeon to assess the meningocele on her lower back. I have a suspicion that there will be another surgery and hospital stay required for that. I dread her having to experience another hospital visit, but I am so thankful we live in a place where Mei Li can get primo medical care and have her needs met by such amazing doctors. She is a resilient little girl, and she'll make it through.

And, coming out on the other side of the surgeries. . . Mei Li's life will be forever changed!! And, as for her future?. . . the sky is the limit!!

What I'm Thankful For. . .

I've been thinking much, lately, about all I have to be "thankful" for. The Lord has carried our family through the most amazing journey of our lives, and it continues to grow better every day. Now, I'm not saying that it is never "tough". . . but, I am saying that it is always "Great" and absolutely "worth it"!! Our family and our hearts have been richly blessed by our Mei Li----and I am thankful for the family that we now are because she is with us. But, there is more to it. And, I want to share. :)

I am thankful for disappointment. There were many years of disappointment in our adoption journey. There were SO many delays along the way. There were changed courses. We started our paperwork in fall of 2007 with our hearts set on China (healthy child adoption). After learning how "incredibly long" the wait would be (4-5 years), we changed to Taiwan. Taiwan seemed to promise a much shorter wait, a younger child, foster care situation (better. . . ). So, we had our social worker write up all of our homestudy material in winter of 2008 for Taiwan (last second. . . instead of China). By the time all "t's" were crossed and our homestudy was approved through all the government offices, it was September 2008. And, we finally went on the waitlist in Taiwan. We sat on that waitlist for 2 grueling years. The program turned out to "not" be what we had hoped. It fizzled, the agency handling that program dropped the ball and there was no communication. . . and we sat in a adoption desert wasteland of silence for 2 years. There were many times, I wondered if I had mis-heard God's voice during that period. But, I knew I had not. I HAD HEARD His call on our family so clearly. . . and it had been confirmed. So why this dead-end?

It was during this 2 years that I began recording my album, "Dancin' on the Wind" of jazz standards. And, it was during these 2 years that God showed me that I was a song writer. My jazz album wasn't completed before there were 4 original songs that God had given me over the course of the recording journey. The Lord knows how much music means to me. It is my passion and my love--and during this adoption desert--He gave me the desires of my heart, in a BIG way--with music. I would never have had the time or opportunity to discover I was a song writer and embrace my music in the way that unfolded if our adoption had moved faster. As a result of that 2 year adoption barren wasteland, "Dancin' on the Wind" was born, and the Lord gave me my lifelong heart's desire in the way of music. I am forever thankful that He loves me enough to give me a gift that I didn't even know to ask for.

Two days before the "birth" of my album on September 14, 2010, we had a meeting with our social worker, at her suggestion, to talk with her about China Special Needs adoption. She felt badly that our journey was taking so long. . . and all of our homestudy and medicals were expiring and were going to have to be redone. So, she asked us to pray about it and come in to learn about the SN program in China. We met with her on the 14th of September. Before we left her office, we already had our hearts open to SN adoption (something that we had shied away from early on in the process). . . and right before we walked out the door to pray "some more" about whether to change to China SN, she brought out Mei Li's file to show us an example of what a medical file looked like on a China SN adoption. She told us that she was not pushing this particular child on us. . . she knew we were thinking of adopting a younger child. But, that she "was" available if we were interested. We saw her face and Geoff and I both caught our breath at the same moment. We knew we were looking at the face of our daughter. There was Mei Li, and we "knew" it!

September 16th 2010 became an incredible day for me personally, and for our family. Two days after our meeting with Karla, and after seeing the face of that sweet angel, Sun Xianmei, in the medical file, and "the very same day of the birth of my album", we received a call from Dr. Jennifer Chambers from UAB's International Adoption Clinic to review Mei Li's medical. Her overall assessment. . . GO GET THIS BABY GIRL!!!!! So, two hours before the "birth" of my album, we experienced the "birth" of our daughter as well. I will tell you that when I arrived to Moonlight on the Mountain that evening to hold my album release, there was a sweetness in the air unlike any I had ever experienced before. But, amazingly, it is a sweetness I now experience regularly. . . The birth of two beautiful blessings in our lives. . . all at the same time!

So, for those of you experiencing difficult times in your adoption journey. Delays, derailments, broken hearts, frustrations. . . We" TOO" experienced all of those things, but the end result was something so perfect and timed "JUST SO". And, looking back, God's hand was in control of every step. If anything had gone differently, we would not have been matched with "this" little angel we call our daughter. And, the thought of that is something I can't consider for even one second! God was preparing us for our Mei Li (who was not eligible for adoption when we began our journey). He was preparing our hearts to take a leap of faith and go the route of a SN adoption (and we needed some work on us, first, to bring our hearts in agreement there). He was planning to complete a beautiful work in me through music. And, the timing of the birth of the album and the birth of our daughter "into our lives" happening on the very same day CAN NOT BE a coincidence. Just further evidence that the Lord was in charge of it all. :)

September 19, 2011 is a day our family will never forget. It is the day Mei Li was placed in our arms for the first time!! After beginning our adoption paperwork in September of 2007, it took us 4 years to arrive to this amazing day. I still sit here pinching myself, hoping that I will never awake from this beautiful dream. Mei Li has blessed our lives in such a rich way. I thank God every day that He did not give in to my pleas and cries and complaints during the 4 years we waited for our daughter. If He had listened to me, we would have missed out on one of the the greatest blessings we have ever known. . . the honor of becoming a family to our little Mei Li.

Halloween Fun!!! And, other news ;)

My beautiful Juliet and precious ladybug

The White Family of 4 beside the Great Pumpkin!!

Such a lovely Juliet. . . her choice of costume!! Love it!!

Just us girls :)

Mama and her little ladybug :)

Daddy and his girls

Haha!! Love Daddy's expression!! Long trudge up a hill to this house!

Pumpkin fun!

The expression says it all. . .

Just love their smiles :)

No words. . . :)

My sweet AG

Well, our little Mei Li is doing "picture perfect". And, Anna Grace is every bit the amazing sister I ever dreamed she would be!! She is growing up right before our very eyes. And, her love for her little sister is not only beautiful on "her", but it is beautiful on Mei Li too. This little girl is blossoming and thriving in the love she is being given. Every day is a new adventure for this little one. . . and she is really taking to her new family like a duck to water. We are enjoying every little thing about our Miss Mei Li!!! Her little foot is responding beautifully to serial casting. She has one more cast to go on Monday. If you were to see her now, it actually looks strange because they are purposely "over-correcting" her foot so that it actually turns outward. It was curved inward dramatically when they started, and by overcorrecting, they are training those bones and ligaments and tendons to have a normal range of motion. On November the 11th (11/11/2011. . . Haha!!! I think that is good luck!! ;), she will have an outpatient procedure done at Children's Hospital to stretch her Achilles tendon. This is necessary to release to allow proper range of motion in her little foot. She will then be casted for a full 4 weeks, with a pin in her heel. Once they remove the 4-week cast, she will then wear day and night braces for 1 month. SO, by mid-January, our little Mei Li should be walking with a normal gait. Hallelujah!!! That is a miracle considering where she started. . . and only in 3 months' time!! If you didn't see her walk before this casting, take a look at her "Fay-gee-luh" video and watch her walk. Her outer left ankle was the bottom of her foot. We are thrilled!!!! And, we love Dr. Khorey!!!

Also, Mei Li has an appointment with the neurosurgeon on November 21 to assess the meningocele (fatty tumor) on her spine. It has not, at least yet, caused paralysis or incontinence, but the placement of it is concerning. And, it is quite large. I am very eager to have Dr. Blount take care of it. If it is continuing to grow, it could be extremely problematic. Please keep that in your prayers, if you would. But, we are thankful we have Dr. Blount!! We hear he is amazing, and we have been placed in phenomenal hands with every specialist who has cared for our daughter. I have no doubt that Dr. Blount will know exactly what our little Mei Li needs.

Halloween was so much fun for the girls. . . I struggled through because I was sick. But, even sick, it was impossible to not enjoy the evening watching both of them have such a wonderful time!! Anna Grace was a absolutely lovely Juliet and Mei Li was the cutest little ladybug you ever laid eyes on! :) Anna Grace taught Mei Li how to say Trick-or-Treat!!! And, she mastered it quickly!! AG decided her sister was like a little "jack-pot" saying "Trick-or-Treat" with her little Asian accent and her cute little costume. I think she was right! The candy poured in to them all evening!! :) Anna Grace is such a great sister, too. There were a few houses that had really steep hills or were too scary to take Mei Li up to the door. . . so Anna Grace would, all on her own accord, ask the people nicely if she could take a piece of candy to her little sister. She definitely dotes on her little sis!! And, Mei Li loves her right back. :)

Life is good!! Things are beginning to settle in. Anna Grace's homeschool is getting back into a stride (although days with Dr. appointments make it more difficult. ) We are so glad we started homeschooling at the end of June because we have needed this past month to catch our breath and learn a "new normal"---and with the onslaught of Dr. appointments. . . there hasn't been a real "normal" yet. Today, AG finished all of her work by noon!!! We were all dressed and showered and even met daddy for lunch. . . and now both girls are upstairs playing dolls together. . . or as Mei Li calls them "Wah-wahs. . . that is Mandarin for dolls" :) This is exactly why we decided to homeschool AG this year!!! She can focus and get her school done before lunch, and have time to bond with her sister in the afternoon. That would be much tougher to do if she was gone by 7 in the morning and home after 4. . . then, homework, dinner and bedtime. It is really important to us that AG and her sister have this time to bond and truly come to love one-another. And, it is a precious thing to see it happen!!! :)

But, I will admit. . . my time is not my own so much anymore. And, I have missed songwriting and singing. There is a season for everything, however. . . and this is a very precious one. All in due time. . . :) I believe the time to write will come again. And, maybe it will be even better than before.

Enough of my rambles. . . I hope you enjoy our fun Halloween pics! :)

Some Things I've learned. . . and am learning about adoption

I'm learning new things from our little Mei Li every day. She is such a joy! And, one thing that I am coming to realize, is that mothering the adopted child is a bit different (in some areas) than mothering the biological child. I remember hearing some wonderful advice and scientific research presented to Geoff and me early on in our adoption journey by Dr. Jennifer Chambers at The International Adoption Clinic here in Birmingham. What I am witnessing, now, first hand. . . is that what she shared with us is true. And, I'll share it with you.

There's more to write about than I have space to write, but I'll focus in on a couple of bits of information that are especially interesting, or have really proven true for our journey with Mei Li. Maybe it will help others of you who are home with your little ones. . . trying to navigate through uncharted waters without the advice of a pediatrician who is an expert in adopted children.

First of all, attachment and bonding is the first order of business with your adopted child. And, it is not as simple as it sounds. With an adopted child (especially ones who have grown up for months or years in an orphanage. . . or for those who have experienced incredible trauma of one kind or another), the synapses in the brain that begin connecting at birth and thrive with the love and nurture of a mama and daddy. . . that connect and make pathways and lay a foundation for all learning and ability to intake the world around them. . . these synapses are not fully formed/connected in a child who has not received the love and nurture of a mother and father from birth. (Of course, this will vary by degrees depending on each child and his/her individual prior experiences.) I remember Dr. Chambers actually showing images of the brain synapses of a biological child at birth, 3 months, 6 months and 1 year. . . and then her showing the images of a child who was in an orphanage during the same timeframes. The differences in these pictures were astounding!! Babies' brains truly need love and nurture to grow and for those little synapses and wires inside to develop.

We were told that there were things we needed to do "differently" with our adopted daughter to insure her the best possible outcome. . . to stimulate her brain, allow these synapses to connect and for her to flourish with our love and nurture in the first months that she comes home.

First of all, it was recommended that we not expose her to lots of people at first. That is a TOUGH thing for all of our close friends and family who love us and want to love on our little girl. It is truly difficult for people to understand, since it is completely fine for a newborn biological baby to be around other people. There are a number of reasons why we were given this advice. The most important, perhaps, is that our daughter has never known a "mommy" or a "daddy". She only knows life inside an orphanage, with rotating caretakers. She may have had some caretakers that she liked more than others. I believe there was one, in particular, our Mei Li attached herself to. She calls her "orphan mommy". Note the term "mommy" used by Mei Li. But, our Mei Li has never had a true reference for what a "real mommy" is. She needs to be taught. Not just an intellectual knowledge. . . a definition of "mommy" she has learned from books or songs. But, she needs to experience the one-on-one love and nurture of her "real-live-mommy". This means, that for the first few months, I need to be the one tending to all of Mei Li's needs (as much as humanly possible). I need to feed her, bathe her, sing her to sleep every night, kiss her boo-boos, be there when she is afraid or sad and hold her in my arms when she needs reassurance. No one else (besides daddy) needs to fulfill these duties for the first few months. . . or as long as it takes to teach her/show her what and WHO "mommy" is. This rule applies for whomever the primary caretaker is. If daddy is the one staying home every day, then daddy would need to be the one to be in this role even more than mommy for the first few months. This is very demanding on the primary caretaker, but so important.

It is difficult for friends and family to understand that you are not being overly protective or "acting strange" when you are having to limit your child's time with people the first few months. Now, I don't mean that you hole yourself up and never leave your house. :) But, I do mean that we have been told that no one else needs to babysit, feed, nurture, soothe, meet the emotional and physical needs of your newly adopted child (or even hold the child for more than a moment). This is specifically the job of mom and dad for the first 3-4 months. . . or as long as it takes for your child to completely attach to you. Remember, she is having to learn that you are not just another orphanage caretaker/nanny who works a shift and leaves, maybe for a day or longer. That is the only reference many of these children have ever known.

Our social worker, International Adoption Clinic pediatricians and adoption family therapists have explained that it is critical that the mom and dad be "the constant caretakers" in our daughter's life for the first few months. Otherwise, if other friends/family and caretakers are caring for them, meeting their physical and emotional needs, loving on them. . . you can "very easily" have your child attach to one of these precious friends or family members instead of "you". Obviously, this is dangerous and unhealthy for your child and for your family. The most important foundation to lay. . . is an understanding of your child's "family" and exactly who fulfills the role of "mommy" and "daddy". Be careful that your child does not connect with another person in that way. This attachment is the foundation for a healthy family life for your child and for your family.

To quick-check how your child is doing in the attachment department, ask yourself, "Does my child ever reach for anyone else besides mom or dad for comfort or help?" If they prefer to be in someone else's arms rather than yours when they need consoling or affection, then you need to be aware and make necessary adjustments.

Mei Li is such a bright and vibrant little girl who is eager "to learn" and "do" and "experience life". We are very blessed with this precious child! But, as smart and lively as she is, we are having to remember to lay a foundation with her. She is learning, for the first time, what "family" truly means from first-hand experience. And, even though it is apparent to us that someone in that orphanage took time to love and nurture her, she still is having to have new groundwork laid in her little brain as her world is unfolding to her for the first time.

I am just thankful that Geoff and I, as well as Big Sis, Anna Grace, are lucky enough to be the ones she is experiencing this new world with. . . and that we are fortunate enough that God chose us to be her family!

My hope is that this post will help other adoptive families who have recently, are soon to be bringing their child home. And, that it may help explain some of the ways we are having to do things in these early months for our own friends and family. SO, sweet friends and family. . . if it seems we have disappeared and dropped off the face of the earth . . . WE HAVEN'T!!!! :D We promise! We'll be back in the saddle again soon. And, we LOVE you and appreciate the outpouring of love you have shown us since our return. . . more than you will ever know!! :)

And, just to be clear. . . I realize there are many adoptive families who may not have a choice but to have other caretakers care for their children when they come home and "have" to return to work soon thereafter. Please know that I am not criticizing you. These are tough times we live in, and people must do what they must do. Hopefully, this information will help you, too, to recognize if any of these behaviors are beginning to show. . . and you can take quick action to help your little one. :)